Making Time to Meditate

 "Who you are in this moment, therefore, is who you truly are."  Marianne Williamson

I haven't stopped in awhile to listen to myself think.  It's time.  I know I'm looking for some things about my life to change.  I'm feeling restless and it's time for some internal dialog to take place.  I'm going to attempt meditation.  Of course, like in the book and movie, Eat, Pray, Love, my thoughts immediately go to how to decorate my little meditation spot!  But that really does rub me the wrong way.  Mr. Happy Buddha up there is who greets you when you walk in my front door.  He makes me smile every time I walk past him. So, even though it's my entry way, it seems like the perfect spot.  I mean, it's got a happy Buddha, a door and a telephone!  The means of welcoming communication are already in place.  Maybe if I sit here quietly for a few minutes a day, I'll hear what my heart has to say.

Sources of Personal Energy

Now that I have thought about it, and know, that these simple things give me energy, I will spend more time in these pursuits.  I can't believe I forgot to put Creativity!  I get a HUGE charge from being creative, whether that is welding, painting or just rearranging the furniture!  So I'm adding that to the top of the list! I'm going to try to use at least one of these energizing resources one a day and see how it makes me feel.  I have taken my vitamins, talked to my husband and am thinking about a new creative project to start next week.  So far so good.

Susannah Conway is a wise woman!

Reverb 10

December 10 – Wisdom Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

Well, dear Susannah!  This is an easy one!  And all because of you!

The wisest decision I made this year was choosing to take Susannah's Unravelling class!  My word for 2010 is questioning.  The Unraveling class calmed me down and allowed me to focus on answering some of my questions.  I've had this, I don't know what you call it?!--buzzing?  incessant voice?  overwhelming need? drive?--to know what my purpose in life is.  To know for sure what my next move should be.  To find meaningful work that will sustain me for the rest of my life!  That's kind of a lot to ask of myself, don't you think?! 

 There is a point in Susannah's course where she asks you to really look at yourself-as in, in the mirror, and take a picture!  I realized I couldn't look into my own eyes, much less say something nice to myself!

Her suggestion that we become our own best friend was life changing for me.  Looking into my own eyes, I realized I am not kind, forgiving or even supportive to myself in the way I am  for every other person in my life.  I would never be so judgemental of my friends' decisions as I am of my own.  I think of myself as a very good listener, but I wasn't listening to my own voice.  It's easier to hear the voices of others' expectations than it is to listen to the one voice that is mine.  But I did it!  I looked myself directly in the eyes and told the woman looking back at me the kind of things that I would tell my best friend.  I told her it wasn't necessary to have all the answers right this second, that she should try a few things and listen to what her heart had to say.  If she tried something and it wasn't working, to move on.  If she tried something and it made her feel anything, to follow it a little further.  But most of all, I told her it was going to be okay, no matter what happens.  And she looked back at me and smiling, said, thank you, I needed someone to tell me that.

So, thank you, Susannah!  I am practicing patience, in being my own friend and paying better attention to the one voice that matters most.  Answering is my word for 2011, and I am certain mine will come.  I have more unravelling to do, but starting the process was definitely the wisest thing I did this year!

heart by Seth Indigo Carnes

The Beauty of Single Tasking.

Reverb 10 
December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

This is a hard one.  And something I have been trying to figure out all year.  I got on the treadmill this morning with this prompt in my head and surprisingly came up with something.  I think that one of the things that makes me different is my inability to multitask.  Alas, I am a single-tasker. It has taken me years to figure this out and I am still coming to terms with it.  While others are capable of doing multiple things at once, with ease, I cannot.  When I am engaged in anything, it is the only thing I engage in.  This can be a beautiful thing, if it is you, I am engaged in.  It gets ugly, when I am engaged in one thing and I am needed, or required,or expected to be engaged in something else.  It most often raises it's ugly head when it comes to the telephone.

I loathe answering it!  Generally, I am engaged in some other task and do not want to be interrupted.  If I cannot give you my full attention, I believe it is best for me to wait until I can.  This is a beautiful thing when I do call back because you receive my full and undivided attention.  Text messaging makes me enormously happy because I can focus and say exactly what needs to be said in the least amount of time, and in between other things.  Writing on this blog, cooking a meal, sewing costumes at the theater, or having lunch with my friends, I prefer to be totally present and focused on what is in front of me.  Don't answer your phone once we have finally made time to get together!  I won't, (unless it's my child). 

I think my need for single tasking is what gives my relationships more meaning.  When I am focused and fully engaged in listening, it is very easy to hear what's being said.  This is what I do that lights people up.  I hear them--when I'm listening.  And realizing that, is a beautiful thing.

Reverb10 and Me!

So I've decided to join Reverb10 after fellow Unraveller, Manifiesty mentioned she was doing it on her blog.  Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. The end of the year is an opportunity to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead. With Reverb10, you get to do both do both.  Starting December 1, a daily prompt will be delivered to my mailbox and it will be up to me to respond via Twitter or with a blog post.  I'm thinking blog post it will be, as I am still unschooled on Twitter.  Obviously, I am late to the game, BUT, I usually am.  I am very good at playing catch up!


December is going to be rather hectic so I'm thinking the prompts will be a nice, sort-of meditation every morning.  So, here goes!


December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)


The one word that encapsulates 2010, for me, would have to be "questioning" and the one word I would like to be using a year from now is "answering".  I've kind of been putting myself through the ringer this past year, trying to determine my purpose, my passion, what steps to take to move forward, a new career and any number of other momentous topics!  I've taken a few classes and am starting to unravel a little and also being a bit nicer to myself.  Who am I if not my own best friend?  My wish is that in 2011, I will find some answers in the form of meaningful work, international travel and deeper connections with friends and family.


December 2 Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
(Author: Leo Babauta)


I probably spend too much time reading other people's words.  I love to read and I don't want to eliminate it, but I should definitely write before I read.  It may be time to revisit The Artist's Way, and start doing my morning pages again!

Airline Tickets, Tang, Truth and Sugar Plum Fairies!

The results of my test in mindfulness are good.  Although, Damn!  It was quite a day!  Only five of the eleven items on my list got checked off, but as three involved scrubbing my floor, I'm feeling okay that was left undone.  My daughter ended up calling me about the ticket, but she was sick and feeling really run down.  Even though she's 24 now, it's still hard to be so far away when your child feels bad.  I want to wrap my arms around her, make her some warm soup and put her in bed with an old movie.  But I was mindful of the fact that she needed to book her ticket and get back to work, so I offered comforting words, promised to send meds overnight and left my agenda out of her travel plans.  (I always plead for more time, she gets irritated but gives in-this time, she chose more time herself!  Yay!)  

Then the washing machine repairman!  He told me I needed to put a jar of Tang in it to clean out the build-up from liquid detergent and that I was washing my clothes incorrectly.  He said that in a front load machine you can only wash like things together--as in, all cotton-no polyester, sheets-but not with towels, jeans-but not with socks!  Cotton T's--but not with knit sweaters.  What?!  Everything needs to be the same weight and fabric content?  Long pause...be present, be mindful of what you really want to say here...WHHHHAAAATTTTT?  ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! ...I didn't do it.  I calmly asked him if I understood him correctly, that a jar of Tang and balanced and like fabric, would stop my machine from sounding like it was loaded with rocks?  And then I asked him to visit with me a little longer, until the spin cycle really got going!  Guess what?  When the artillery started exploding, he agreed that I had a bigger problem, asked for his $79 and declared my washer unrepairable, but usable, until the inner drum wears a hole in the outer drum and floods my laundry room.  I should see a leak before it fully bursts, so in the present, Christmas-time moment, I'm going with it.  I'll find the I-Pod during the spin cycle.

For the final "living in the moment" bit of the day, I decided to tell the truth when my husband asked how my day was going.  Well, let's just say when you answer that question honestly and you continue to answer the questions that follow honestly, shit comes out!  My husband and I don't argue often (1-2 times a year) but when we do, we don't do it well.  We are usually fighting for exactly the same thing but we say things so completely differently, that we end up arguing about the way we are arguing, and lose our train of thought.  BUT NOT THIS TIME!  Or at least not the whole time!  I kept telling myself, "don't bring up the past, don't be worrying about the future, stay right here in this moment- of what you need to say and what you need heard, listen to what he is saying, hear him!"  It worked.  It was ugly, but there was really a lot of stuff that was going unsaid that needed to be worked out.  It was not easy and it was not fun, but it was productive.  Turns out that the same things that were bothering me, were bothering him.  Now we are on the same page.  Nice.

I will continue my foray into mindfulness.  It should be interesting to see how it works backstage at the Nutcracker.  I become stage mom at 2:30 this afternoon, and will not be released from my duties until we have finished two dress rehearsals, four school performances, two actual full productions, a champagne reception and a Sugar Plum Fairy luncheon Sunday afternoon.  There will be quick changes, nerves, drama, injuries and pure joy!  I plan to be mindful and present in every single glorious moment of it!

Start where you are.



Sitting in my present moment.

That's the name of the book I'm reading by Pema Chodrun.  So, where am I?  I'm sitting right here, in my very own present moment.  It's weird to just be right here, not in my past, not thinking about what's next--just right here.  It does feel very freeing to let go of all the other stuff and just be.  But, who am I without my past or my future?  I think I'm just me.  And I'm okay with that.  In this moment, it doesn't seem difficult at all to just be me.  Why does it usually?  Who am I trying to be?  I feel fairly certain that I can only be the me that I am. 
I've never really understood the whole "new age-y" live in the present moment philosophy, probably because I never felt like I had time to be present when I really needed to be in about five other places at any given time.  But, there just might be something to it.  So, how can I practice this "being present" all day?  How is it supposed to work? 

My to-do list is very mundane today. 
1.  Clean off the Christmas tree and bring it inside.
2.  Call my neighbor to get the name of the product she uses to clean her wood floors.
3.  Clean my wood floors.
4.  Go to the grocery store for dinner ingredients.
5.  Call my daughter and buy ticket for Christmas visit.
6.  Call the man I asked to give me a job.
7.  Meet the washing machine repairman.
8.  Go to the nursery for plants for the front door.
9.  Drive daughter to and from dance.
10.  Cook dinner.
11.  Visit with the woman who wants help with her clothing store.

Maybe that would mean actually listening to the people I come in contact with?  Making eye contact?  Perhaps when I'm driving my daughter I find a way to connect with who she is today, rather than just finding her some food and listening to the radio.  Or when the repairman is here, I am mindful of feeling grateful.  At the nursery, actually seeing the beautiful plants would be a way of being present.  Cleaning my floors?  I don't know about that one!  The Christmas tree is one I made when I was welding, so I know that spending some time with something I created could be inspiring if I am open to it.  Maybe that's what this is actually about; opening myself to whatever comes in the moment and then actually being aware of how or what I feel about it.  This seems so simple, but it's not something I do very often. 

I'm going to give it a try.

Feeling Somewhat Rejuvenated

My husband cleaned up the hard drive this weekend and the old PC is doing it's job again.  I went to Dallas with my daughter for a dance convention and got to spend time with several of my favorite moms.  I'm feeling somewhat rejuvenated, too.  Travel always makes me feel better, even if it's only a few days and somewhere close by.  I'm going to New Orleans next weekend to visit my son.  Two of my girlfriends are going with me and we've managed to borrow a relatives apartment in the French Quarter, so I'm really looking forward to that, too.  My brother also lives in New Orleans and we always have a great time!  There will be lots of laughter (my favorite sound), good food and cocktails, music and memories made.

My brother, my son, myself in front of the Benjamin Button house.

There was a comment from Merri, in my last post, asking me "if I found it harder or easier to make long term plans as we get older?"  I had to stop and think about it.  I realized that I don't really want to make any long term plans.  I want to live my life in the present moment and more spontaneously.  I've really been focusing so much on what I want to do that I haven't been able to fully enjoy who I am.  Like Benjamin Button, I feel like I do get younger as time passes.  At least in the sense that I feel full of wonder, open to new experiences and less judgemental of myself, and certainly of others.  I think it's important that I follow my whims and see where they take me.  Have any of you followed a whim that led to a wonderful adventure?

Fear is Frustrating



Olivia Pietari-Posti

Eleanor Roosevelt told us to "Do one thing everyday that scares you."  But really, Eleanor? Everyday?
I'm stuck.  My creativity died about three years ago and honestly, I miss it.  It's very strange to be without it.  I've been waiting patiently for it to reappear but waiting is not working.  I am in need of a reincarnation. Should I have a seance?  Hmm, that might be fun.  A crystal ball, gypsy dresses and candlelight?  Maybe I will, after all, Halloween is this month.  Anyway, I digress.  I need to resussitate my creativity and being patient and gentle with myself isn't going to get the job done.  These are the things I've done so far, but I think its time to step up my game!

Blogging is the most creative thing I have done in the last few years.  When my youngest child started high school in August, I committed to writing on this blog five days a week.  The technical part of it drives me crazy!  It's getting easier, but only by showing up everyday and figuring it out.

I took the Blogging Your Way class, from Holly Becker of Decor8, to help me take my blog a little more seriously.  It is an amazing class!  It is incredibly thorough and jam-packed with good information.  There is a lot of work and the class pretty much consumed me for the entire month.  It felt more like therapy than a class.  However, what I learned was that if you don't know your voice as a blogger, your blog is not going to know it's voice either.  And yes, I feel like this blog is a little all over the place, just like I am right now; fashion, interiors, self-help, travel!  So now I have all the tools I need to make my blog look great when I have something to say.  I will, however, continue to blog my random thoughts until the more cohesive and directed ones are found.  Finding my voice is my intention.


I am currently taking Susannah Conway's Unraveling, Ways of Seeing Yourself class.  This class includes photo assignments that uncover where you are in the world, and who, and how and what is on the journey with you.  This is the third week of class and I am loving the photo assignments, but there are writing assignments too.  And for some reason, I keep avoiding these.  I finally did Week 2's writing last night, but I need to go back and do Week 1 today.  I am not getting to that place where I want to be though.  Susannah tells me "we have no writing assignment this week and not to stress because that is not what the class is about."  I am enjoying the photo assignments.  It's interesting to view my world with more intention, but  I am very impatient right now and super indecisive.


I have also signed up for 30 days of Yoga with Marianne Elliott.  My thinking is that if I get moving I can maybe unlock some stuff.  But the 30 days started last week and the first assignment was to choose my intention and I got stuck.  I don't know my intention and that is the whole reason I took the course! So this morning, I went ahead and sent her an email to help me figure it out.  But I feel kind of lame asking for help, even though I know it is the right thing to do.  My intention is to find my intention.

I am also doing a lot of reading of books and blogs.  Yesterday, on X blog, I watched a video about how to get whatever you want.  It was very well done and made perfect sense.  I believe everything she said would actually work.  The secret in the video was that the decision is everything.  Watch it yourself though, because there really is some very good information in what she says.  She talks about how once you decide to do something the universe, or the forces that be, whatever you want to call it, works with you to get it.  Once you decide you want something, opportunities start magically opening up for you.  I've read this often, heard Oprah say it, and actually experienced it myself.  I do believe that when you decide what you want and say it out loud it happens.  My problem is that I can't decide what I want! I'm reading Anne Lammott's Bird by Bird.  It's a book about how to write.  I like that from the very beginning she says there is no real secret and not much she can teach, you just have to do it. Writing a novel is not something I want to do.  I write for discovery and clarity.  So my answer is not found in this book, but I have a bit of inspiration.  Word by word, one clue at a time, I move closer to whatever it is I'm looking for.

And is it just me?  Or does Oprah always address exactly the issue your going through at exactly the right time?  It almost never fails, if I'm in an uncomfortable place in my life, I look at the newsstand and there she is asking me the questions I've been asking myself!  This month she wants to know "What's Your Calling?", and well...I don't know, Oprah!  Help me figure it out!  And she does, a little.  There's an article inside by Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat, Pray Love fabulous-ness.  She tells me that "If you have lost your life's true passion, don't sweat it.  Back off for a while.  But don't go idle.  Just try something different."  I think that's a piece of it.  I haven't been sweating it, but I did go idle.  And the idleness is now starting to make me sweat.  Okay, so I need to do something different.  But isn't that what I'm doing with the blogging and the unraveling and the yoga?

I've been married almost 25 years and therapy has kept us together more than once.  At one point, my husband was having trouble expressing his feelings and responding to mine. The therapist asked him how he felt about what I had just said and my husband's response was "I think she doesn't need to feel that way."  She ended up giving him a piece of paper with feeling words on it to help him out. It took him a while to get the hang of it, but he eventually mastered it!  And I feel loved, and grateful and very happy in my marriage.  Perhaps that's what I've been doing.  I think I may have been thinking too much and not paying attention to what I am feeling.  I feel afraid of living anymore of my life without passion and I feel frustrated that this process is so difficult. I feel support from my family and friends, but I know this is a journey that I take by myself.

I think I need to do something different if I'm going to feel different. I wish I could go to Italy, India and Indonesia for the next year to figure it out, just like Elizabeth Gilbert, but then that would be living her story, not mine, so that probably wouldn't work either.  I will follow her advice though, and back off a little.  I am deciding that I will find my calling, bird by bird, one day at a time, whatever it takes!

Okay, Eleanor!  I will do something that scares me. If I can decide what that thing is.

A Twinge of Creativity

I am starting to feel a slight twinge of creativity.  Only slight, but it's the first time in a very long time that I have felt like actually creating something.  Have any of you ever just had it disappear?  Up until about three years ago, I was always the one excited about a new idea! 

Stainless Steel walls?  We could use roof flashing!  A luau for a wedding shower?  Let's build a 10 foot volcano and haul in some sand and a boat for a beach!  Concrete counter tops?  How hard can it be? (It wasn't hard, but it was messy.)  Iron and glass fireplace screen?  I'll learn to weld.  I've always found it really irritating to either be told I couldn't have something or the cost be prohibitive.  My two favorite  words, "It's possible."

I've been playing with the idea of jewelry for my walls.  I even did a post a while back about giant jewelry hung from buildings and trees and those images keep showing up in my mind., but I haven't quite been able to wrap my head around how I want to proceed.  Well, I found a picture the other day, that helped me see things a little clearer, and opened the creative channels a smidge.

I love this room and I want that thing on the wall!  I can make that!  I know I can. Wall jewelry, that's it!  And it's the first thing in the last three years that I've gotten excited about.  It may take me a month to get my act together, but I think it's time to bend some metal again.  Come to think of it, that table is really nice, too.